Up in the Air

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Ah, it’s all going splendidly for George Clooney. Flying around all over the place, living in hotels and departure lounges, a loyalty card for everything, no ties. But then some drawly-voiced little strumpet strolls in and virtualizes his job for him. What a slut. Happily, she doesn’t ruin things completely. One suicide later, and she’s […]

Monsters versus Aliens

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Ah, poor Susan. Just about to get married, when a meteorite hits her and makes her all big and unwieldly. No good for a wedding night. Although certain benefits present themselves. It was around this point (about 7½ minutes in) that two things occurred to me. One, that I’m actually faintly disturbed and annoyed by […]

Edge of Darkness

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There’s something strangely satisfying about sitting down to watch a film about which you know virtually nothing, and Edge of Darkness was full of surprises. Now, I like action films, so I don’t expect this to be everyone’s cup of tea. There’s a lot of shooting. Particularly at the end, where most of the characters […]

Legion

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Legion is a strange beast. There is, perhaps, a reason why we’ve never seen angels fighting before. And that reason is this: it’s cock. Absolute cock. And because it borrows from The Terminator for its opening scene and Die Hard 4 for its climax, Legion is a bit of a mess – and an uncreative […]

Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs

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Writing opening. I’ll be honest, I expected nothing. The title utterly put me off. It sounded irritatingly whimsical. I’m not a big fan of whimsy. So, when I eventually came to watch it some six months after the rest of the world (pretty good for me), it was purely for the benefit of my son. […]

The Princess and the Frog

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I didn’t really know much about this film before seeing it, but a brief skirt around the Internets reveals an awful lot of hype surrounding the facts that it was the first 2D Disney for over a decade, and is concurrently the first to feature a black heroine. Although said heroine spends most of the […]

Spider-man 3

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Personally, I wasn’t that impressed by the first one. In the review that I wrote for my old website, I summarised it as run of the mill Hollywood schlock…with William Dafoe as “da foe”. Heh heh, da foe. And the second one was shit. Big metal octopus. Nonsense. So I didn’t have high expectations. Like […]

The Bridge

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Right at this moment, I’m concerned less with the documentary The Bridge, and more with how much of a tosser Roger Ebert is. Looking to his review (first one that came up in Google) for some background info with which to inform my own review, I found this choice morsel: “Any movie fan watching “The […]

The Haunting in Connecticut

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I give up. I really do. There just isn’t going to be a decent horror film ever again. Is nobody capable of making a scary film anymore? I was going to write a proper review of The Haunting in Connecticut, but frankly if they can’t be bothered with the film, I can’t be bothered writing […]

Back to Earth (Red Dwarf)

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Where do I begin? First, no laughter track. Trust me, it needs one. CGI. Cheap CGI never looks convincing. CGI Scutters I could take. They made sense, in this modern age of being lazy and doing everything on computers. But EVERYTHING is CGI. The ship, most of the corridors. They couldn’t even be arsed to […]